reconnecting

So a few months ago I talked about how I’d drifted away from my best friend. And, well… a few days ago we met up. Us and J. After we parted ways with J… we just stood at the MRT station and talked for a really long time.

At one point she talked about missing her friends, and I asked who in particular (since I knew who her other close friends were). And she said “you”. And she asked if I’d missed her too.

It’s funny how things just went back to “normal”. How it seemed like the last few months of not talking never happened at all.

We reconnected.

 

 

strangers with memories

once i considered her my best friend, once we texted everyday about everything and nothing at all, once i thought she was the one friend i had that i could truly count on to be there till the end.

now we never text at all.

not gonna lie, it hurt so bad when i realised how distant we were becoming but there was nothing i could do to change it. or maybe there was, but i didn’t try hard enough because what’s the point of trying to hold on to a friend who clearly no longer cares? instead of trying to close the distance i just walked away too. maybe i should have tried harder. maybe.

and i go on facebook and see all those posts from my secondary school classmates showing how close they still are to each other, and i feel a little bitter. maybe i should have made better friendship choices then.

once i cried thinking about the memories we had and our friendship and how it’s all just nothing but a memory now. now i don’t feel anything at all. maybe it’s true that time really does heal everything.

and it’s strange how i’m now so close to f instead.

I finally got my driving license.

After almost three years of putting off learning to drive… I finally got my driving license! Well, my test was actually three weeks ago… fortunately, I passed on my first try with ten demerit points. Literally crawled like a snail in the circuit HAHAHA because I really did not want to mount the kerb and screw myself over.

I’m lucky I had a great instructor! All thanks to C’s recommendation. It’s nearly impossible to find a good English-speaking driving instructor. I asked many of my friends, and all of their instructors were only Chinese-speaking… which I wasn’t really keen on. So it was between K or my sister’s Chinese-speaking but cheaper instructor… in the end, against my parents’ wishes I went with K. My dad wouldn’t stop nagging at me about how much more expensive K was (about 20% more expensive), but my cousins who ended up going with my sister’s instructor later regretted it. Complained about how he was virtually uncontactable, wouldn’t answer his texts or calls, yelled at them for little things, basically just terrible and I’m glad I didn’t go with him *phew*. My instructor was really awesome… very patient with me and nice, didn’t yell or get mad even when I hit the kerb or made mistakes, and even treated me to teh si and kopi occasionally.

You know how there’s always the slight worry that your instructor will try to squeeze as much money out of you by making you go for more lessons than necessary, or pushing you to take the test when you’re not ready and risk failing and spending even more money? My instructor was nothing like that. He really does wish the best for his students (:

Anyway, I finally met up with C today after not having seen her in a long time. It was so good being able to catch up with her! My one and only true friend from Arts Camp three years ago (: We stopped by CDC to give our former driving instructor a gift, just as a little token of our appreciation, and had a quick little chat.

Then we went to the FFL cafe for brunch before taking the train/bus to East Coast Park and just chilling there for hours. It’s been more than a year since I last went to a park… and dang, walking along the pavement and seeing families having BBQs by the beach, so much nostalgia. We used to do that often, too, back when I was a wee little kid… my parents, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles. Sadly we don’t do that anymore.

Had an awesome day today. Time with C is always time well spent (:

I’m alive.

So lately I’ve had trouble falling asleep at night – like, I’ll just lie on my bed, shut my eyes, and 2 hours later I’m still awake unable to sleep ._. Anyway, what the heck is up with all the bugs loving my bed? I hardly, if ever, see any bugs on my desk or other places in my room – once I found this freakishly large spider in my bowl, and a spider web in the corner of my room, but that’s about it. Every other time I see a bug (which is daily) it’s on my freaking BED.

I dunno what kinda bug it is, but there’s this same yellow bug that I always find crawling under my pillow. I catch it with a piece of tissue, throw it away, and the next night I find yet another yellow bug. Last night I spotted another yellowish bug literally hopping all over my bed, and right after I got rid of it I noticed this partially squashed, half-dead insect wriggling about at the foot of my bed. Yuck. Wouldn’t mind as much if the bugs appeared on my desk, but my bed is OFF LIMITS!!! I have this weird irrational fear that as I’m sleeping the bugs will crawl into my nose/mouth/ears. Is it so much to ask for – just to be able to have ONE DAY where I don’t find a single bug on my bed? Ugh. Oh well, it makes me appreciate home all the more. The day I don’t spot at least one bug in my room at PGP will be the day pigs sprout wings and fly.

Anyway. I was supposed to be reading my EC2101/2102 textbook, but  I got distracted and ended up spending all that time reading up on SEP and other NUS students’ experiences on their blogs instead. I really, really, really want to go too. What are the chances of L and I securing SEP places at the same overseas university?

Ah, my mood swings… one minute I feel happy for no particular reason, the next I feel really down. And the bad thing about it is, my random moments of happiness are fleeting but when I’m down, it lingers for hours and hours and it’s impossible for me to snap out of it.

I miss C. She’s the only JC friend I actually really miss. I think of all the times we had together, being crazy stupid bitches, a lot more than I’d like to admit. I miss what we used to be. And it’s stupid of me to hope that our friendship can and will be the way it used to be, but I still cling to that thread of hope. I’m deluded, I know. I’m still keeping in contact with the rest of my JC friends, but I’m not as close to them as I used to be. N and I used to be so close, but now I haven’t seen nor texted her in months. I feel like we’re worlds apart now. Strangely, I don’t actually miss her or my other JC friends Just C.

Yes, I know this blog post is all over the place… but, I really can’t be bothered.

grateful

So I finally turned 19 recently.

Sad that my closer friends from JC-life didn’t even remember. I don’t care that A, Y, and S didn’t remember my birthday, because I’ve never been particularly close to them – we just happen to hang out in the same clique, but I was always much, much closer to T and F. In fact I don’t even know which month Y’s birthday is, and I know S’s birthday is in November but I never bothered remembering the actual date.

But, kind of disappointed that T and F both forgot. Two years of friendship Well, it’s okay. C was the only one of my former JC classmates to wish me, and I was touched about that. Months ago I wrote about how we (C and I) used to be really close, but drifted apart because of many issues (mainly the clique I hung out with hated her and she was all wrapped up in her then-boyfriend), and how I’d just about given up on our friendship… but then a few days after that post she reached out to me via text, and we’ve been texting semi-frequently since. So yay 🙂

My best best best friend – whom I’ve known since we were both twelve) was the first to wish me, of course 🙂 I am so thankful to have met her and have her in my life – she’s literally the only person, aside from my own family, who’s seen every side there is to me. The good, bad, and the freaking ugly.

So thank you B… for putting up with all my expletive-filled, obscenely vulgar texts when I was going through that difficult period in JC, for making me laugh even when I’m crying and hating life, for being my crazy, dumb, stupid partner-in-crime, for just being there for me throughout all 7 years of friendship. Friends till we’re old and ancient, always. We text each other every day about everything and nothing.. in fact before I began using Whatsapp for texting individuals and not just group-chats, I averaged 2,500 SMSes a month and I’m pretty sure 3/4 of those SMSes were all messages to B.

B, I miss being in the same school as you and I miss seeing your dumb retarded face daily  Can’t wait for you to finish your A levels and hopefully join me in NUS. Love you.

I’m also immensely grateful for having met L (the best friend I made during Arts Camp and the closest friend I have in NUS now). Less than three months but already I feel like we’ve known each other forever. NUS-life would be depressingly sad without her.

the L word

I know of people who throw the word around loosely, saying “love you” as casually as if they were saying “see you tomorrow!”, and I know of people who steadfastly refuse to even let the ‘L’ word slip through their lips, not to their family or friends.

I don’t see myself as emotionally reticent, but somehow I never ever say the ”L” word to my family – parents and sister. Not that I don’t love them, because I do, but it’s just not something I do. Why is it so hard just to say “I love you””? I don’t know. To my friends… well, that’s another story. There are only a select few friends who I’ve ever said/say “love you” to.

There’s N, my dearest and bestest (yes I know such a word doesn’t exist, but who cares) friend who I’ve known for about 7 years now, we say/text “I love you” to each other now and then, sometimes jokingly in humorous situations, sometimes in ‘serious’ situations, sometimes just because we can.

There’s J, who I only say it to on rare occasions in a joking manner.. and she’ll fidget and go, “that’s so gay!” even though ironically she’s the one who’s lesbian and I’m straight.

I know some people say and text “love you” easily to all their friends regardless of their degree of closeness, but for me, it’s not something that I can say/text to someone lightly. Anyway, what started this whole post was because one of my closer friends just sent me a long, touching and inspiring message which she ended off with love you xxx <insert hearts>.

Yes I may not have a very wide social circle, but that’s okay. I would take having 3-4 very good, close (ie. true) friends over having 100 friends who I have no real bond or closeness with, ie. hi-bye friends.

jungle of nothingness

Time really flies… bidding for modules begins in just a few days, and school is officially starting very, very, soon. Hm, I’m not too sure how I feel about it. I know university is going to be completely different from JC.

Partly nervous, partly excited, partly scared, uncertain, terrified…

I’ve more or less decided on the modules I’m planning on taking in my first semester, all I’ve left to decide on is which GEM module I wanna take I really can’t decide. Spent over three hours looking through the list of GEMs offered, and googling for reviews on the modules that seemed somewhat interesting to me, and I have yet to decide.

Well, I’ll be meeting with L tomorrow for some orientation talk at FASS. Thank god for L. Never expected to make such a dear friend at camp. You know how, when you meet someone for the first time, after you’ve spent 5 minutes talking to them you more or less already know if you’re going to click? Yeah, well, I clicked with her. Really well.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to settle into NUS after the first week or so. I’m already prepared to be alone during most lectures and tutorials, all I can hope for is to be able to make friends along the way and hope I can click with them.

Oh yeah, I’ve also recently checked into my hostel at PGP (Prince George’s Park Residence). The room is ok, not as small as I feared it would be. Have done the basic cleaning up of the room, all that’s left is for me to move in all my clothes and shit into the room itself before university starts.

NUS Economics Camp 2014

So I’m finally back from the Economics Camp which lasted from 3-6 July. To be honest, it was a lot similar to the Arts Camp – only difference was that there was a lot less enthusiasm and cheering, and my OG was a lot smaller this time round.

Anyway.

Day 1
Arrived for camp just right on time, and most of my OG were already there and sitting in a circle by the time I reached. As usual, played the same MRT game only instead of using the names of stations, we used our real names to help everyone remember each other’s names better.

Then we were brought to Temasek Hall to put our stuff into our rooms and where we were assigned roommates, unlike in Arts Camp where we were allowed to choose.

Right after that, we had wet and dirty station games, quite a few which involved water balloons. We also played another version of Dog & Bone which required all of us to slide around on a soapy – and I mean seriously soapy – mat.

And of course, SP time at night. I spent a whooping THREE hours talking to my SP. Heck, it was a way too long SP session – I don’t think SP sessions at Arts Camp even exceeded 2 hours a night. As usual, the councillors were doing their best to annoy us and forcing us to sing songs and trying to set us up on a date.

Initiation Night – aka Fright Night – was next, where we were split into groups of three. I was the only girl in my group, but also the only one who wasn’t the least bit scared. The two guys in my group kept screaming at absolutely nothing… yeah, the makeup of the ‘ghosts’ were very well done and all, much better than during Arts Camp, but it still wasn’t the least bit scary.

Day 2
Beach Day!! The weather was amazingly good, cloudy with no sun, so there wasn’t really a need to worry about getting sunburned again. Last time I was at Arts Camp, I got so badly sunburned during beach day that there were bubbles of pus on my shoulders and I had to go see a doctor.

Anyway. We played some games there, managed to win most. One particularly disgusting game involved eating a watermelon. We were given half a watermelon, and the OG who devoured every single red bit of the watermelon and crab-walked to the water together would win. So, everyone was pretty much digging into the watermelon with their dirty sandy hands and stuffing their mouths, and after that we passed the watermelon around so we could take turns drinking the juice from it – fucking nasty.

Another game required us to be blindfolded standing in a line, with a string threaded through the armholes of our singlets, and we had to pass unknown objects down the string from beginning to end. I think the 3rd item we passed was a squid.. my fingers stank for a long time after that, smelled really fishy and gross.

At night, we had another SP session, this time with a few SP games. Like giving my SP a facial where I had to rub some unknown substance on his cheeks and chin while we were both blind as bats, then clean them off for him afterwards. Another game involved us standing apart from one another, and I had to find him by following the sound of his voice. Tip of a spoon was in my mouth and I had to feed him syrup with the spoon.. and we did this all blindfolded haha.

Day 3
Amazing Race at West Coast Park. I don’t know why it was called the Amazing Race, because it didn’t feel like it. basically we played station games just like the first day of the camp. Nothing special, it was actually rather boring and tedious.

Afterwards, we headed back to NUS to get ready for finale night and SP revelation. As usual, our SPs were required to do stupid stuff before they were given a chance to try to identify us as their partners. I wasn’t sure if my SP would know who I was – I already had a pretty good idea of who he was, because during SP sessions I could see the type of slippers he was wearing from beneath my blindfold and so by simple observation I’d kind of more or less identified him during the Amazing Race whenever our OGs were competing with each other – but somehow, he did. He went up to me immediately as soon as the councillors said he could try guessing who his SP was.

Then my SP had to take off his shirt and do wall push-ups with me standing between him and the wall, and then we were both shut inside the closet for a minute. I had to help him wear his shirt back afterwards, and then we were let off to go for dinner together. I must say, the whole setup was terrible. We were seated at this long table with couples on either side of us, with loud music blasting in the background.

It was so difficult to talk – we had to practically shout at each other from across the table. Plus I felt uncomfortable being ‘closed in’ by the two guys beside me. I’d much rather have a separate table with just me and him – so much easier and less awkward to have a conversation this way!

After that we had to separate back into our respective OGs and played Don’t Forget the Lyrics, with everyone singing along. And a mini club/dance session at the end. I think this was the best part of the whole camp.

Day 4
FINALLY, the day to go home! Day 4 was super fail. EPIC fail. We had war games in the morning after breakfast – but everyone was basically standing around holding onto the water balloons and nobody was really getting into the game. It was fucking boring, to put it nicely.

After that, camp officially ended but my OG decided to go out for lunch together, and grudgingly against my will I followed because how the heck do you say no in those kind of situations? Finally after lunch ended I went back home and had a nice good long shower.

Conclusion
The Econs Camp was a disappointment. I went there hoping for the best but got the worst. Arts Camp was so much more enjoyable. I guess it was because I couldn’t really connect with the girls in my Econs OG.

Throughout the camp, I was closest to my roommate – but it felt like a forced friendship, because we were roommates. I talked to her a lot (because we were roomies) but I never felt any sort of strong bond or connection with her. Usually the more you talk to someone, the closer you feel to them, don’t you, but I didn’t feel this way with her.

As for the rest of the girls in my OG.. heck, I really tried. I tried initiating conversations, more so than I did during Arts Camp, but I just couldn’t click with them. Sure we could talk, but there was no ‘connection’.. I don’t feel like any of them are ‘close friend’ material. Just acquaintances, people you have superficial conversations with.

Plus, all the guys in my OG kept teasing and flirting – whether intentionally or unintentionally – with this one girl in my OG. Obviously, the girl in question was without a doubt the ‘prettiest’ one in my OG.. it sounds shallow to say it, but it’s true. It’s really quite obvious she was the most attractive girl in the OG. And because of that the guys paid A LOT of attention to her. Just hearing them tease and flirt with her all the time, whether they realised it or not, was all quite uncomfortable and annoying for me.

In conclusion, I really did not like my OG at all. I can’t imagine them as my lecture buddies, which is really sad because I went for the camp hoping to make friends who I could go for classes with together. But I really don’t see myself enjoying their company. Just why, why, WHY did I get stuck in this particular OG 😦

Also, for someone like me, the way the NUS camps are organised are really not optimal for me to make friends. It’s hard to explain. During the camps, friends are made through playing games and cheering lame cheers. You don’t get the time to sit down and just talk to someone one-on-one. It’s just games, games, games, and more games. The only time you get to really talk is during meal times, where the whole fucking OG is seated together at one big table. It’s really difficult for me to make friends this way, because for me close friends and bonds are made through one-on-one conversations where I can really get to know the other person.

I don’t see how playing dumb games help to foster any sort of real bond between strangers, but that’s just me. And even when I got some one-on-one time with the girls and some of the guys in my OG, I still didn’t feel as if they were ‘good friend’ material. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. There are some people you have chemistry with, and then there are those where you cannot form any sort of bond with no matter how long and how much you talk to them.

So, in all, Econs Camp was a disappointment. A big waste of my money and time. I just wanted to go home by Day 2, it was that bad. I was hoping to make at least one good friend, just like I did during the Arts Camp. Oh well – sometimes things don’t work out for a reason.

NUS Arts Camp 2014

I’m finally back home in the comfort of my home – 5 days of camp and 5-hour sleep each night was definitely taxing. I’ve heard many great things about NUS Arts Camp; people raving about how the arts camp was the “best camp ever”, of how it was different from all the other camps because you don’t just get an OG (orientation group), but you get a family.

Days before the start of camp, I received a call from one of my OGLs telling me I had to submit a short video of myself dancing to Gangnam Style before he’d let me in on further details. LOL. My first thought was that he was trolling me – but I just did it anyway. Really awkward to film.

To be honest though, it was nothing spectacular. Maybe my expectations were too high. Anyway, here’s what happened.

Day 1

Met up with my OG in the morning. Basically there are four houses, A R T and S House, and each house has about 5 different OGs. The female freshies paired off into twos pretty quickly, and I made one really good friend off the bat whom I remained close to throughout the entire camp.

We didn’t do much on Day 1. Just games and cheers, basically. Can’t even remember much about it.

Besides the games and lame cheering, we also had a mass dance session where I was just awkwardly trying to keep up with the beat of the music. The best part of the day was during the night though, where we played a ‘running man’ sort of game where freshies were paired up in guy-girl pairs, bound together by our wrists. We had to run about the campus looking for pieces of paper while avoiding being tagged by the chasers.

It was fun because I was paired with this other freshie from my OG, and instead of really putting in effort to play the game we mostly talked about stuff and ran like hell whenever we encountered the chasers.

I guess for me, I really prefer getting to know someone through one-on-one talking instead of through games or through group talks.

Right after that game we had the play the SP (Secret Pal) game, of course. For those who don’t know, basically you and your SP are blindfolded, are required to hold hands, and talk.

All while the OGLs and counsellors keep interrupting your conversation and just being really annoying. Like, they made it so fucking awkward and “un-fun” to play. Just imagine trying to get to know someone new while blindfolded, and having 3-4 seniors randomly butting into your conversation, repeating the things that you say or poking fun at what you say all in deliberately high-pitched voices.

It was hard for me to talk properly knowing that there could be seniors sitting right beside me listening to every word and ready to jump in and say something stupid at any moment. Just wanted to tell them to STFU and get the hell out of our faces, haha.

Day 2

Again, more station games and cheering going on. Tbh I didn’t think too highly of the cheers – most were quite crude in my opinion. Just so you get an idea, here’s roughly how some of the cheers went:

I’ve got a cock, it’s big, it’s can’t be stopped x2

I’ve got to in out in out (thrust your hips back and forth as you cheer this part)

And even cheers that started with,

Breasts up! Squeeze together!

And, one of the most cheered cheers: with the guys making grunting sex noises while the girls would have to shout, itai itai yamate! itai itai yamate! Japanese for It hurts, it hurts, stop! for anyone who doesn’t know.

We also had cheers where the guys and girls cheered different parts. Example,

Guys: I want to shoot it on your face!

Girls: Lick it off my face!

And we repeated that about 3-4 times -.-

Loads more that I won’t share about on here, but you get the idea.

Night time was ‘Fright Night’ – where we were grouped into threes and sent off in the dark to play station games and get scared. I expected it to be scary but turns out it wasn’t scary, at all. Not even in the least 😦 The seniors did put in a lot of effort into organising it all though.

And after that was SP time again – which I wasn’t really looking forward to because it was kinda awkward (all thanks to the annoying counsellors). We were made to stand and dance to Gangnam Style together while blindfolded, and sing lame songs together.

Day 3

Beach day!!

We set off for Sentosa early in the morning, to play games under the burning scorching torturous sun. We had the customary dunking game, where the guys threw the girls into the water one-by-one.

Pretty fun day, in all.

But after the games we had to take a group photo, and it took them 1 fucking hour just to snap one photo. I kid you not. All while we stood burning under the sun. -.- Just press the goddamn button and take the fucking photo!

Good thing about the day was that there were no night games, though it didn’t mean we got to sleep any earlier. Had supper once we returned back to campus, then finally off to bed at about 3am as usual.

Day 4

Again, just played station games in the afternoon. Got pretty badly sunburned during beach day – the back of my shoulders, hands, nose and feet were burned. Like, really freaking painful. Especially my shoulders.

Had to take yet another group photo where – yes, you guessed it – they took another hour just to press one single button. So efficient, indeed.

After the games we headed back to the halls to bathe and change into our clubbing attire for dinner with our SP and social night. The whole SP revelation thing was kinda awkward, haha. Poor male freshies and the things they had to do just to identify their SP!

Turns out that my SP was actually a fake freshie – he’s actually in year 2, and a counsellor in another OG. Also explains why we were harassed so much more in comparison to the other SP pairs – the other counsellors were his friends and so wouldn’t leave him (us) alone to talk in peace.

After dinner we headed for the club (Butter Factory) with our OGs. Again, lots of waiting. We had to stand and wait outside the club for nearly 2 hours before we could enter.

Danced, drank, and then just sat and bopped to the music until we finally left at about 2.30-ish am. I can definitely say that clubs are not my thing. Would I ever go back? Maybe with a few select friends. But tbh it didn’t really interest me. I actually nearly fell asleep towards the end, I was so so so tired.

Day 5

FINALLY! Day to finally go home and collapse on my bed! I honestly think a 5-day camp is too much. I actually was already wanting to go home by Day 3, haha.

We had lots of talks that dragged till 4pm in the afternoon, then we were dismissed for house time where our House ICs gave us this super long talk about treasuring our friendships blah blah blah blah fucking blah – by that time I just wanted them to shut up and let us go home, honestly, because I could sum everything they said in just one sentence.

And then when we were finally dismissed, we had some OG-time -.- Just as before, our OGLs gave this super long draggy cliche talk about friendships, bonding, blah blah… I was quite annoyed, haha. Like, just let us go home already.

Conclusion

NUS Arts Camp is a little overrated. I honestly don’t understand why we had to have sooo many counsellors in our OG (about eight to nine). Most of the counsellors just stuck among themselves or spoke to a select few freshies, and even by the end of the camp I still had trouble putting a name to some of their faces.

Just so you have an idea, there were 15 freshies including myself in the OG, but in total we had about 30~ people. So yeah, about 15 seniors in the group… overkill much? I’d say most of them were just “extras”. Unnecessary and irrelevant.

Best thing about the camp would be the friends I made. Made one REALLY good friend whom I’m sure I’ll be meeting with for the rest of my university life, and another good friend with one of the male freshies – whom I was paired with for the running man game 🙂 Could get along well with the rest of the female freshies, but didn’t really talk much to the other guys.

Now I’m just going back to bed.

this rift between us

…just keeps growing wider and wider.

Sometimes I wonder if you still think of me, and of the happier times we had together in the past.